I get the feeling...

I had a follow up appointment with my surgeon. He changed the dressing and warned me about lifting my arm up more that about 5-6 inches, which means that I can't go back to work yet. It's difficult to answer phones if I can't lift up my arm. Yes, I have two hands, but, in a job that requires 10 hands and ears, I think I would only hinder my co-workers.

Speaking of my co-workers, they are the most awesome people in the world. They care deeply about their jobs...it matters to them if they make a difference in someone's life. I am honored to work with them.

Anyhow, back to my doctor appointment...The whole purpose of the visit was for a dressing change. I had a couple of questions about which stage of cancer I have and how widespread it is...Needless to say, I didn't get my answers. In fact, I got the feeling that he was being a little evasive. His answers were logical, ie: waiting on pathology reports, waiting on PET scan, etc, but I am still having pain into my mid forearm and, when I asked about that, he said, after hesitating, that the lymph nodes under my arm are probably pushing on the some nerves and causing the pain....I just get the feeling that he knows more than he is sharing. I could be wrong, but I am worried.

It scares me that, as much as I want to fight this, maybe I have no chance at all. It breaks my heart to think that I will not be there for my grandkids or see the become young adults. They are all in situations where they will struggle and wonder about their hardships in life. They need to know that there is one place where they are loved beyond measure and that they are God's gift to me.