Back to work...

1st day back at work. I've been here for half a shift (5 hrs) and am in desperate need of a nap...Back hurts, shoulder hurts, and just don't feel very well. I think I will stay for another hour or so and then head home.

Day 1 of Chemo

Day 1 of chemo yesterday...blood work at 11:20 then time to kill until 1:30 except the moved the chemo up to 11:30...only problem is that my arm and hand are swollen and so they were worried about a blood clot so they wanted an ultrasound of my shoulder and arm before the chemo. Couldn't do an ultrasound until 5 pm so started chemo at 3:30. Ultrasound finished at 6 pm. Stop and get prescriptions. Finally home at around 8 pm. Very tired...but things are moving in the getting better direction which makes me happy.


Visit with the surgeon today...Cleared to go back to work as I am able and as I desire... Yeah! Just have to figure out what to do with the grandson between school dismissal and when his mom gets off work. (Of course, that is assuming that I can last a whole 10 hrs at work.)

Awake...can't sleep

Awake at 0430...That's not unusual, but I am a little worried about today. Today is the first day of chemo. I cheated last night and had a shower which I was not supposed to do...Had a porta cath put in on Monday but was not supposed to get it wet, but couldn't stand the tape any longer. All I could do was itch. When I took it off my skin was very red.

Anyhow, as much as I have read and looked up on the internet, I am uncertain exactly what is going to happen today. It'll probably be okay...just nerves.

Wish I had enough money to get my phone turned back on. If only the disability checks would come in the mail...that would help so much.

0827...and to top it off, my hand, arm, and shoulder are swollen...

News spreads!

I can't believe how fast news spreads...I picked up Kevin, my 6 year old grandson, from school last week and one of the teachers that I've know for years came up to me and gave me a hug and told me that she was praying for me. Same thing at the store today...I saw 5 people that I knew and they all wondered how I was.

It doesn't bother me that people know. I don't like being the center of attention, but it is nice to know how many friends I really have out there, and I can use all the prayers I can get.

The power of prayer is amazing! I am so filled with emotion when I think about how much my Savior loves me. No matter what, I know that His will is going to be fulfilled in this and I will love Him all the same, no matter the outcome.

Finally...answers!

Okay, for those of you who have been waiting...I saw the oncologist today and finally have some answers. I have Stage 3C breast cancer. (Stage 4 is incurable and I am as close as you can get without being Stage 4.) I will start chemo next Wednesday and it will last for 4 months. After that, I will begin radiation therapy. It is unknown how long that will last at this point. It's a blessing that I have so many friends and family that are praying for and supporting me. I am truly blessed.

Frustration

Pretty frustrated with the whole trying to get my port put in for the chemotherapy. The surgeons office called last week and they told me that they could do it on Tuesday. I told them that I needed to wait (per the oncologist) until after Wednesday this week. They called again on Wednesday and Thursday. I told them that I can have it done after this Wednesday and so they scheduled me for Thursday of last week even though I said, "that's Thursday next week, correct?" and she said yes. Sp on Wednesday the surgery center called me to tell me what time have to be there for the procedure on last Thursday. Again, I told them that I had to wait until this Thursday. So yesterday, I called to make sure I was scheduled for the procedure on Thursday...Guess what...I was told that they do not do surgery on Thursday.  I think I will take my cordless phone and strangle someone...

Disappointment...

So I saw the oncologist yesterday...I was very disappointed that he didn't have all of the pathology reports. I even called both of my doctors and asked if they had faxed everything. They both told me yes...alas, Dr. Manning only had the report from the first surgery until right before he walked in the door. He was ready to come in and tell me that I needed more surgery because there were no "clean edges" on the first surgery and then he was handed the report from the second surgery.

Here's what we know...Estrogen positive which means the cancer spreads quicker if estrogen is produced so they will have to give medication to block that. Because of the lack of pathology reports, we are still uncertain of what stage it is...possibly as low as Stage II but maybe as high as Stage IV...The one thing that he said that scares me is that Stage IV is incurable. I looked at survival rates for Stage IV and it is 15% at 5 years. I am determined to not be one of the 85%!!

On another note, we spent the weekend in SLC and took some fabulous pictures. Here are a couple from Temple Square...

Again off to the doctor...

Went to bed last night not being able to talk and got up this morning still not able to talk.  Made an appointment with Liliana who said that I had a virus. Told me to take lots of Vitamin C and Musinex...I so dislike Musinex...All it does is make me cough.

I am looking forward to my appointment on Monday in Twin Falls. I can't wait to get this thing moving and getting better.

Pearl Harbor Day

Today is Pearl Harbor day...Created this video in remembrance of all the service men and women past, present, and future.

Finally!

The Tumor Institute in Twin Falls called today and set an appointment for next Monday. Finally, we are moving forward (a little).  They will sent paperwork in the mail for me to fill out.

Had my final official visit with the surgeon today. He said that I chose the right surgery because they found 2-3 other cancer spots in the breast. Also, I was predisposed for breast cancer (HER2NU test). If you have breast cancer in your family, sister, mother, grandmother, etc., you probably should have this test. If you are not having regular mammograms, do it. I had never had one...Yes, it is painful (very), but that pain will last for less than 30 minutes vs two surgeries and treatment.

I cannot go back to work for at least another week...and that will depend on what the oncologist says now. The only thing that the surgeon will take care of now is any fluid collection or putting in a port for the chemo.

We may try to go to Utah on Saturday. It depends on the  weather and how I feel. My niece, Alyssa, is having a dance recital that she wants me to go to...don't know why because she wouldn't even speak to me when I saw her in September. I am excited to be able to photograph the Brigham City Tabernacle and Temple on the way to or from...

Worried...

Have a sore throat tonight...Started with a little feeling on Saturday and woke up this morning with a full blown sore throat. I'm worried about it because I don't know what this means as far as the next steps goes. Good thing I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

I hope that he has some answers for me tomorrow...If not, I will tell them to fax my records to HCI and I will make an appointment with them. We'll see....

Up all night hurting...

My arm really aches tonight. I don't know why but the bicep area and shoulder feel very swollen and are very painful to touch. Can't get comfortable in bed and so now I'm on the couch. I've taken the pain pill and it doesn't seem to be working. Guess I'll edit a few photos and post them to Facebook...

Grandkids...

Huntsman Cancer Institute?

Okay, so now I have two people telling me to go to HCI. Kathy, my Ricks College roommate, has a sister who is a radiology tech there. Mechelle, an admired and respected friend from when I worked as a custodian at Burley Jr. High, has a brother who went to Pocatello, Twin Falls, and HCI. They loved HCI. TF was okay, and they didn't like Pocatello at all.

Maybe I should go to HCI. I want the best care available but I feel like I should be home everyday so that this is not such a struggle for Holly. She would have a difficult time with work and trying to take care of Kevin and get him where he needs to go. Kevin needs me too. To top it off, Jakobi will be here during Christmas holidays and I want to see her as much as possible.

Everyone has basically said that I need to be selfish and take care of myself first and it is hard for me to do that. Others usually come first in my life.  Rarely do I do anything for myself. I just can't ignore my family needs.

Ads out to the side...

Almost forgot to mention...Those ads that you see over there will help bring in a little cash to help on this journey...They are unobtrusive and if you just right click, I believe you can open them in a new window. Whether you look at them or just close them is your choice, but I would appreciate a click or two.  Thanks!

Long Day

It is the end of a very long, and not very good day. I have been pretty much miserable since about noon...Just achy, headache, and very tired.

I did make contact with my medical doctor's office to see if test results got sent to her and not the surgeon. The nurse told me that they got some results yesterday and she would walk over to the surgeon's office and make sure they got them. Apparently they did, but not the ones that are the most important. We are still waiting on the progesterone/estrogen receptors results. They will help determine treatment.

I just hate feeling like I am at a standstill...I just want to keep moving forward, and until all the results are in, I can't. It's annoying, frustrating, depressing, etc.

If there is not an appointment scheduled with the oncologist on Tuesday when I go back to the surgeon, I will probably go to SLC to the Huntsman Cancer Center. I can't keep putting this off.

Still no answers...

Again, at the surgeon's office for follow up. Still no lab results and they tell me that they are trying to get me into the oncologist but that it is a very busy time of year and they are doing the best they can... Being a 911 dispatcher and dealing with non-life threatening calls reminds me that the emergency is seen through the eyes of the caller and not the dispatcher... Or through my eyes (the person with cancer), and not the lab people, pathologist, or the surgeon.  I WANT TO KNOW! and so does my family and loved ones.

I am so frustrated...  My good friend, Kathy, has told me to skip all this nonsense here and report in to the Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake City. My medical doctor is recommending St. Luke's cancer center in Twin Falls. Twin Falls is more convenient and I could be home every night. Huntsman is 170 miles away and I would have to stay there at least for the radiation treatments which would be an extreme hardship on my daughter and grandson. I want to go to Twin Falls, but I also want the best treatment available...

Still no news...

At the surgeon's office again today...Still no results on the lab tests from the surgery on Nov. 21st. They may not be in a hurry, but I am!! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING!

Anyhow, he did pull the drain tubes. I didn't realize that one was just below the collarbone towards my sternum, and the other one was at my shoulder joint. With one great sucking sound, he pulled them both out at once. For a few seconds there, I thought I might tell him to stop...lol.

I go back to see him on Thursday to make sure there is no fluid accumulating and maybe to have the stitches out (I hope). And they should have an appointment with the oncologist by then...

The one thing I am disappointed about is that my surgeon says I can't work from the last surgery until after the treatment. I need to work because I will run out of days if I don't. I will have to talk to him on Thursday and see if I can work for the next 2-3 weeks anyhow or I will be out of days just as I enter treatment.

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The Lord's Day

Today is Sunday. I feel very impressed to share my testimony so here goes...

I know that I am loved. I have no doubt that God loves me. He is my strength and my life. Because He loves me, He has sent others to help and guide me. I know that President Thomas S. Monson is a Prophet of God. He delivers God's messages today just as prophets of old did. He guides us so that we can return to our Father's presence if we will but follow. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. God is the same today, yesterday, and forever. He will not change how He delivers His messages for his people. I am so blessed to have friends who care about me and are willing to sacrifice to help me. I have faith that I am supposed to learn something from having cancer and I know that He will not abandon me.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

“I testify that with God, all things are possible. He is our Heavenly Father; His Son is our Redeemer. As we strive to learn His truths and then to live them, our lives and the lives of others           will be abundantly blessed.”Thomas S. Monson, “Becoming Our Best Selves,” Ensign, April 2006

Lazy Day

I have done very little today. I went from my bed to the couch, back to bed, and back to the couch. I've had 5-6 20 minute naps. Pain level hasn't been too bad today. It only hurts when I try to get up for the most part.

Brandy called tonight and, as I was talking to her, I realized that I am desperate to know exactly what stage this cancer is and how widespread it is. I am going to fight this with everything I have, but I want to know exactly what I am fighting. I think it is only fair...as if this is fair anyhow.

I am so grateful that I have such wonderful friends and family. I have every reason to live!

I get the feeling...

I had a follow up appointment with my surgeon. He changed the dressing and warned me about lifting my arm up more that about 5-6 inches, which means that I can't go back to work yet. It's difficult to answer phones if I can't lift up my arm. Yes, I have two hands, but, in a job that requires 10 hands and ears, I think I would only hinder my co-workers.

Speaking of my co-workers, they are the most awesome people in the world. They care deeply about their jobs...it matters to them if they make a difference in someone's life. I am honored to work with them.

Anyhow, back to my doctor appointment...The whole purpose of the visit was for a dressing change. I had a couple of questions about which stage of cancer I have and how widespread it is...Needless to say, I didn't get my answers. In fact, I got the feeling that he was being a little evasive. His answers were logical, ie: waiting on pathology reports, waiting on PET scan, etc, but I am still having pain into my mid forearm and, when I asked about that, he said, after hesitating, that the lymph nodes under my arm are probably pushing on the some nerves and causing the pain....I just get the feeling that he knows more than he is sharing. I could be wrong, but I am worried.

It scares me that, as much as I want to fight this, maybe I have no chance at all. It breaks my heart to think that I will not be there for my grandkids or see the become young adults. They are all in situations where they will struggle and wonder about their hardships in life. They need to know that there is one place where they are loved beyond measure and that they are God's gift to me.

So much to be thankful for...

Thanksgiving 2011 - Spent the day with Jonas, Brandy, and Bryce.  They are so awesome! I wasn't very good company, but it was nice knowing that it wasn't expected either. Had a great time, watched the Packers win, ate wonderful food, and got overly tired...Didn't mean to overdo it, but just got tired really fast. Maybe this is how it will be for the next little while. Had to come home and have a nap. I'm wondering about going back to work and how I will cope with that, at least for the next few weeks until treatment starts.

I go to the surgeon tomorrow just for a check up. Maybe he will be able to answer some lingering questions. From what I am reading, this is Stage IIIC which means it is in the lymph nodes above the collar bone. I would like to know how widespread it is in the lymph nodes and how long this has been going on. He may not be able to tell me and maybe I will have to wait for answers from the oncologist. I also need to go to the Cancer Resource Center at CRMC. I need to find out what help they can give me.

So many things to do that are unpleasant, but need to be done: Living Will, Funeral plan, Mortuary arrangements, cemetary, etc. Not that I think that these things will be needed soon, but I don't want my kids to have to deal with it.

Long day...

Wow!! What a long day! I got up and helped my grandson with his homework and then went back to bed. I did some dishes and picked up the living room. The office brought over everything for Thanksgiving dinner, and mom came to visit. In between, I took a 3 hour nap and am in bed already tonight.

I seem to ache more today than I have, but my muscles are more sore today. All down my back on the left side and across my upper chest on both sides is very sore. I think it is probably because I am not used to laying in bed so much.

Emotionally, I think I am doing okay...I had a moment last night that included a few tears, but I am okay. There is no thought of giving up on this! I plan on fighting my way through this, and I strongly believe, more now than ever, that God is my best friend and ally in all of this. He has sent earthly angels to give my strength during the hard times, and for that I am grateful. I know that I am never alone.  To my nurses at the hospital, thank you! You were/are wonderful! To my friends and coworkers, thank you for understanding and listening. To my family, I love you! I know this is as hard for you as it is for my, but have faith that it will all work out.

Home and exhausted

I am home from the hospital and exhausted. The surgery was about what was expected. The doctor did the mastectomy and axillary disection, which means that he took out all the lymph nodes under my arm. He also said that the cancer is up above the axillary vein (the vein that goes down your arm). He did not try to take those out because he said it would cause tremendous pain and swelling and the treatment would not be changed.

One of the biggest challenges that I am already facing is my 6 year old grandson. I've been home for 30 minutes and he is ignoring me and won't go to bed. I cannot fight with him over it. I told him I was going to bed and the he could do whatever he wants to do. His mom is at taekwondo and then has to work tonight.

Anyhow, I am falling asleep writing this so I'll say goodnight and write more tomorrow.

How my life has changed in the past 2 1/2 weeks

I have never been one to worry too much about my health. I've been in average health...well with the normal problems...a little overweight (okay, more than a little, but who really wants to admit that), stressed, high cholesterol, and pre-diabetic. About 2 1/2 weeks ago, I discovered a lump in my breast.

I immediately made an appointment with my new medical doctor (yup, didn't have one before this...reread the 1st sentence for explanation), who sent me for a mammogram (55 years old and had never had one but that is for another post), who sent me to see a surgeon. The surgeon wanted to do surgery in about 10-12 days. I just wanted this over with and opted for an opening in 4 days. On November 7th, I went in and the surgeon removed the lump. Turned out it was fairly large - 1 1/2 inches by 1 1/4 inches approximately, and it was cancer. Well, as if that wasn't enough, it appears that the cancer is, in all probability in the lymph nodes.

That brings us to today. At 6:45 this morning, I will check into the hospital for a mastectomy and, most likely, lymph node removal. Having never had major surgery of any kind, this is a new experience. Am I scared? Not really. Am I nervous? A little. I will have to be intubated and that worries me a little. Am I worried about the loss of a breast? No! I have always found both of them to be something of an annoyance especially for any honest to goodness tomboy.

My oldest daughter's first question was concerning reconstruction. I guess that shows the difference in our priorities and age. I am not concerned about that at this point, and may never be, but for her, it is all important. Nothing wrong with that, but my concern is just getting through the surgery for now.

What does the future hold? Sounds like radiation and chemo starting in about 3-4 weeks. I'm sure that I will have to meet with an oncologist before that and have further tests done.

At this point, so much is already known and I am still trying to absorb it all, but there is still so much that is unknown and so many unanswered questions. All that I do know is that I plan on being here in 10 years when my grandson has to learn how to shave and my granddaughter goes on her first date. I also have a grandson that I have never met (family complications to be explained in another post maybe). I plan on being there when they graduate from high school and college, and when they get married, and when they have their own kids. In other words, I plan on being around to make a difference in their lives because they have made such a difference in mine.

I can't close this without telling my kids how much I love them. I know that we don't always look at things from the same viewpoint and that causes some disagreements, but I love you and want only the best for you. To my grandkids, Jakobi, Kevin, and Corvus, you are my world. You bring sunshine into my life and I am determined to be here to discover God's magic with you for many years to come.

To my friends, thank you...I am so grateful for your continuing love and support. I could not go through this without you.

To my Heavenly Father...I understand that this life is a test and that there is something that I (and maybe others) need to learn from this. Please help me to remember to always seek your purpose for this. You are my best friend and I trust You.